12/21/08

How to Become a Rapper and Avoid Financial Calamity

“We are facing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.” President-elect Barack Obama

With very little avenues left to make it in America, becoming a mainstream rapper and striking it rich seems like the only plausible course of action. Rappers don’t care that your 401(k) doesn’t exist anymore, and the tolls of a collapsed Dow Jones Industrial Average concern them not. They did the right thing, and they did it early. Now you can too! Just follow these simple steps to financial salvation.

1)      Get a street name.

Preferably something that has nothing to do with your actual name. Anything prefixed with “Young” will be accepted by the audience. Young Jeezy, Young Weezy, Young Joc, Young Buck, and Young Hov would all agree. If you are not young, you can highlight other youthful features of your persona. For example, if you are a video game player, you can go by Wii Peezy, and so on.  When Puff Daddy decided it was time for a name change, he went with P. Diddy, and while the etymology of this name is uncertain, it did help dodge the Google indexing of Puff Daddy and that J. Lo gun incident. Believe it or not, most fans don’t actually know the real names of the rappers they worship. Does anyone actually know T.I’s name? How about Xzibit? The point is, pick a good, simple street name and stick with it.

2)      Sell Cocaine.

Cocaine plays a huge part in the building of street credit (or “street cred”). Very likely a tip of the hat to the fictitious character Tony Montana in Scarface, selling cocaine is a sure fire way to make it to the top quick. In the 80’s and 90’s yuppies desperately wanted to be the fictitious Gordon Gekko. That’s all over. You want to be Tony Montana now. Some examples of well to do rappers glorifying elicit drug sales are;

Jay Z -“I get away with murder when I sling yay”
T.I -“Say you need bricks, I said I’ll get it”
Cam’ron -“Yes, I flip that white pudding…”
Jim Jones - “...either that, or move coke to the fiends”
Young Jeezy -“they call me the snow man”

In any other country, they would be reprimanded, sanctioned, or possibly jailed. But we live in America, glorifying not socialism, but anti-socialism is what we do best. Start out small, selling to friends and stuff, then move onto bigger fish. The key is to not get caught. Typically asking a potential customer if they are undercover is a good policy. Entrapment, you know.

3) Be extraordinarily homophobic.

There are few better ways of connecting with the proletariat than expressing how repulsed you are by homosexuals. It should be noted that this also works well in politics (just ask Mitt Romney). Say it loud, say it proud! All things queer must be slandered. Homophobia is a fast track to your success as a rapper; Use it prudently. Some examples of rapper homophobes are;

Cam’ron -“No homo”
Eminem - “hate fags? the answers yes”
T.I - “gay niggas don’t know me”
Jay Z - “..cause faggots hate when you get that money like athletes”

You get the idea. For full effect, try saying it in more than one of your songs.

4)      Get Shot.

“…and tell me how I’m supposed to live with five shots” – Tupac Shakur

To this day, it is my personal belief that had 50 Cent not been shot up like Swiss cheese years ago, he would not have been heralded as a real thug today. Getting shot will let other rappers know that you are 100% pure Grade A Gangster. Don’t do it yourself, instead, have a friend do it for you, ideally in a place that is not life threatening. Once it’s healed, express how you feel about the whole ordeal in several of your tunes (including gun fire on the track is also acceptable). Oh wait, that reminds me - and brings us to the most important part of all this!

5)      The Music

Actually, I take that back. The music doesn’t matter so much – just follow steps one through four. Worst case scenario, you can take someone else’s beats and just tweak them slightly. Use swear words liberally. Occasionally making it rain in the club doesn’t hurt either, which brings us to our last and final step;

6)      Be a total misogynist.

Throwing money on women is an essential element in making it as a rapper. If you no longer have money, do not use change. If you have old worthless stock certificates, they may be hurled. Having a genuine hatred of women bolsters your selfish, egotistical reputation. Some famous players include;

Eminem - “Cut the bitches head off” 
Weezy -“I make it rain on them ho’s”
Nate Dogg - “I get more ass than a toilet seat”

So the next time someone bumps into you at a club, just tell him “not to screw with Wii Peezy, you faggot, and if you got a problem, pop off!” then proceed to throw your drink on his girlfriend while laughing and doing a line. You’ll be glad you did, and richer for it.

TB